1. “I don’t believe in tipping.”

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Bad Hat Harry Productions

It’s not a political ideology, or a religion, it’s how servers earn their money.

2. “Do you mind splitting the bill 13 ways?”

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No, not at all. (screams internally)

3. “You don’t like your uniform?”

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20th Century Fox

Between the shirts smelling like meat, name tags, and the oh-so-fashionable non-slip shoes, what’s not to like?

4. “Are you still open?”

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Well it is 9:58, but I don’t mind getting out of work an hour late for just one table.

5. “The customers can’t be that bad.”

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Not all customers are bad, but some do leave interesting notes.

6. “What kind of food do you have here?”

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Well it’s a pizza place so….

7. “Do you mind if I substitute (cheap item) for (expensive item)?”

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Miramax Pictures

I see what you’re trying to do, and I do not approve.

8. “We have coupons.”

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Bravo

Here comes a lousy tip.

9. “I know the owner.”

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Columbia Pictures

Coincidentally so do I.

10. “What is your roast beef made out of?”

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Bravo

My guess is beef.

11. “Could you make sure that comes out quickly? We’re kind of in a hurry.”

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If you’re in a hurry, maybe a sit-down restaurant isn’t your best option.

12. “Hey you!”

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FX

I have a name, I said it when you first sat down, and unfortunately it isn’t “you.”

13. “I’ve been waiting for my food for 10 minutes already!”

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NBC

Waiting 10 minutes on a well-done steak really isn’t a long time.

14. “Why am I getting charged for this?”

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Nothing in life is free.

15. “I want to speak to your manager.”

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You might be pretty upset, but it’s more likely you’re just trying to get some freebies.

16. “You’re still coming to work, right?” (In the midst of an apocalyptic blizzard.)

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Sure thing boss, right after I dig my car out of the snow.

17. “You have it made, you get tips and a paycheck.”

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At $2.13 an hour, I’m a practically made of money.

18. “Hi, how are you doing tonight?” (Customer immediately says drink order.)

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A simple “hello” or “hi” back would really go a long way.

19. “You don’t mind if we stay a while, do you?”

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Sure, you’re only limiting my ability to either go home or make more money, so it’s OK.

20. “If you don’t like working there, why don’t you find another job?”

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Because bills don’t pay themselves.

21. “Being a server must be easy.”

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Between dealing with customers and staff, multitasking, and being on your feet all day, it’s one of the most difficult jobs you’ll ever have.

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