1. Oh shit, mom just called everyone in for dinner.
2. It’s about damn time. The turkey “is going to be ready in 30 minutes”…for the past hour and a half.
3. I better get off the couch and get a good seat.
4. I don’t want to sit next to Uncle Ralph. All he does is talk about “conservative values” and he smells like stale Cheez-Its.
5. *Runs into the dining room*
6. Oh shit, mom broke out the “nice” china and silverware. I guess I need to use my “manners” at dinner.
7. YES. I get to sit in the corner, so no one can see me. Right next to the COOL cousins.
8. I miss sitting at the kids’ table. Like, the kids’ table is where it’s AT.
9. Oh man, Aunt Sally is asleep and late for dinner.
10. No, we do NOT need to wait for her. I am too damn hungry.
11. Ugh, here she comes. I’m pretty sure the pilgrims didn’t have to wait around for people who were snoozing.
12. OK, I hope Thanksgiving grace isn’t too long this year.
13. Like, I am REALLY hungry right now. I have time to thank God and Jesus, but that’s about it.
14. Oh great, now dad has to carve the turkey. Why didn’t he do that before we sat down?
15. Watching dad carve the turkey is the Thanksgiving equivalent of watching paint dry. Except I am HUNGRY.
16. All right, I need to get my hands on the turkey first. I want some dark meat.
17. Crap, why is Jimmy taking all the good meat? SAVE SOME FOR THE REST OF US.
18. Please pass the turkey to the left please pass the turkey to the left please pass the turkey to the left.
19. YAAASS HE WENT LEFT I GET DARK MEAT.
20. I want to put a fucking CLOUD of mashed potatoes on my plate. Not a little wisp. A CLOUD.
21. And it needs to be RAINING gravy. Cloudy with a chance of gravy, that is.
22. Green bean casserole?!? Like what is the point? “Oh, let’s cover the only healthy thing on the table with fried tidbits and butter and cream.” NOPE.
23. How much food can I physically fit on my plate? Answer: THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
24. Oh great, mom went back to the kitchen to grab the cranberry sauce. We aren’t waiting for you mom!
25. It’s cranberries! In a can! I just want to eat my damn turkey already!!!
26. Wait the cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes cannot touch.
27. I repeat. They CANNOT touch. My dinner will be RUINED if they touch.
28. Gimme the rolls. Gimme ALL the rolls.
29. Wait, how am I supposed to pass the rolls AND grab the corn while taking some Brussels sprouts? God only gave me two hands!
30. Everyone calm down! I’m not Dr. Octopus!
31. Why are we talking about politics? This will only lead to the parents shouting so loudly people are spitting food across the table.
32. DON’T MENTION HILLARY. WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T MENTION HILLARY.
33. Fuck. Mom mentioned Hillary. Here we go.
34. Oh no, grandpa tasted the turkey. I am not ready for this.
35. PLEASE DON’T SAY HOW “MOIST” THE TURKEY IS.
36. DRY! It’s dry! I feel so very #blessed.
37. Will I have room for dessert?
38. Wait, did I just ask myself if I would have room for dessert? Who am I anymore, a monster?
39. I fucking have a separate STOMACH for dessert, that’s how much I love dessert.
40. Oh no, the conversation is moving to my personal life. Look away! Look away!
41. No, I’m not seeing anyone right now, thank you very much.
42. No, I have not met “The One” but thank you for asking.
43. “When am I getting married?” When are YOU going to stop asking so many dumb questions?
44. And don’t even get me started on kids!
45. “You know, when I was your age, I already was married and had a kid!” Yeah, you told me LAST Thanksgiving too.
46. I am nowhere near drunk enough to be surviving this.
47. More apple cider, PLEASE.
48. Is the interrogation over?
49. And more important, is it time for dessert yet?
51. Ew pumpkin pie.
52. I’ll have apple pie AND pecan pie, thank you very much.
53. Yes, that slice. Yeah, the big one. NOT THE SMALL ONE.
54. Stop judging me for wanting two slices of pie.
55. Pie is low-key the BEST part of Thanksgiving. Anyone who disagrees is a fool.
56. Oh wait how do I get out of doing the dishes?
57. I’m going to “go watch football” even though I hate football.
58. Hopefully my mom buys it. Anything to get out of doing the dishes.
59. OMG, no dad, we do NOT want to line up at Best Buy to get a flat-screen TV and XBox.
60. Literally all I am capable of doing right now is rolling over to the couch and passing out.
61. God, I am SO glad Thanksgiving is over.
62. And I can’t believe we’re doing this again in a month for Christmas.