1. In case you didn’t know, Gwyneth Paltrow runs a lifestyle website called GOOP and it’s full of great advice.
Like, buy this $12,000 vase for Christmas.
2. And while you’ve already purchased that $4,739 juicer GOOP recommended, you’ve probably thought to yourself, “Gwyneth, how can I clean my uterus?”
3. Don’t worry, Gwyneth has an answer. And the answer is vagina steaming.
“…a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus.” UTERUS.
4. Now some doctors have come out and said vagina steaming might not be as revolutionary as Gwyneth is claiming. But this is nonsense! GOOP is Queen.
5. The only problem is that the vagina-steaming heaven is located in L.A. What if you’re not in L.A.? How can you get your uterus cleaned? Well, don’t worry because here’s a list of ways you can get your v-steam on.
6. Position yourself on top of an erupting volcano.
The lava really gets all that junk out of your uterus.
7. Scooch up to your fireplace and spread ‘em wide.
That’s why those Salem witches had the best uteruses around, y’all.
8. Sit on top of your stove.
Do you ever notice how your chicken always tastes like it has the cleanest uterus? It’s because they’ve been fried on your stove, duh.
9. Lay down on your ironing board and go to town with your iron.
It’ll get all those creases out of your folds.
10. Next time you go get a blowout, ask your hairdresser to get your uterus too.
Is that Jennifer Aniston’s perfect hair or your uterus? No one will be able to tell!
11. Instead of merely drinking your hot morning coffee, give your vagina a good splash.
Your uterus will be so awake.
12. You know what to do.
Thomas Edison wanted to invent the best way to clean your uterus.
13. And if all else fails, take a short trip to the sun and get your uterus tan on.
14. Happy uterus cleaning!
*But like, don’t actually do any of these things ‘cause they will kill you.